Never ever

Sitting at home by myself after spending the night at a mates. Thoughts often enter my mind when I'm alone. I shouldn't be alone tbh. But I tend to crawl into my safe place and shut everyone out when I feel sad. And then the monsters come out.....

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

A couple of years ago I stopped all contact with my mom and last year my brother and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

The truth is I am actually ok with that now. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was sad and didn't understand why certain things happened. Family should—and will—always be there for each other. That's what I thought anyway. 

Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them. I will never treat my children the way I've been treated. 

I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there. 

Maybe this is why my friends are so important to me. Especially a selected few that has stood by me and helped me in different situations. 

Relationships, to me, are serious. I don't do casual flings. That has never been appealing to me. I don't see the point. 

Finding someone who understands me and that goofs around with me is appealing. If you can't have fun together you shouldn't be together. Most important is trust. With trust the rest will follow. Unconditional love is also important. Don't judge me for MY past. Or past mistakes. I'm sure the view of what a mistake was is in the eye of the beholder. 

You can say “I love you” as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. But if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don’t say anything at all. Because if you can’t show it. Your words…don’t mean a thing.

April has begun......

I have learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems right now, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I have learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I have learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance and I strongly advice you to take it. I have learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. Try to make up for past mistakes. Correct what you need to heal or make amends. I’ve learned that I still have heaps to learn. I have learned that I will sometimes forget what you said, I forget what you did but I will never forget how you made me feel........