Mao maak maak

Ok, so you know the night was good when you wake up and feel like shit. I got proper drunk last night. Never ever mix white wine, Captain Morgan, dark rum and moonshine. Ever!

And there should be a drunk lock on your phone. But I had some pretty fun conversations during the night. I spoke to 3 mates in Australia and Thailand. Funny that 2 called. Like they knew I was on the piss. One had sunnies on. Bragged about having 39 degrees. Shut up!!!

Drunk lock....like they have breathalyzers in the cars. 

Don't even remember what time I got to bed. Have to check my messages and see what time the last msg was sent. 

So today I am doing fuck all! I had to drive home obviously but now when I'm home I'm on the couch. Not moving for nothing. Well...I do have to eat. So at some point I need to get my bum to the kitchen. I think I feel like eating tacos. In a pita bread. With creamy salsa. And heaps of veggies. And milk. Or wine, hair of the dog and all that. Nah...pass! 

Why are you craving fatty food when hungover?? Or am I still drunk? I don't know. Shoot me. Or better yet...someone make the tacos for me and bring it to me. And feed me. I think I can manage to open my mouth and chew by myself. But that's about it. 

Anyone feel like helping a very hungover girl out? Anybody.....

I'm in the Swedish Phuket paper. An add for the bar I worked at. Picture stolen off of my Facebook. It's ok Michael. I'm not mad at you. I have totally awesome pic from the bar. ;) 

Staying strong

Clearing mind of thoughts

Why be normal when it´s waaay more fun to not be

 

                                              No girl should ever have to go through this....

 

Post holiday thoughts

When you’re depressed, your perception about many things changes—so how does this affect your relationships?

I’m thinking about this today, because—drum roll please—I feel a little depressed. And so does a person that means a lot to me. And I feel helpless. That person wont listen to reason and logic.
Now I’m not feeling depressed as in the suicidal “I want to drive off the road” kind of way, but in the less dramatic but still deeply unpleasant “moderate” kind of way. I’ve had my share of crazy, and sure, I have my bad times. I have those times where I start crying while brushing my teeth. We’ve all experienced this to an extent. You go through a patch where staying in bed all day isn’t just the better option- it’s the only one. But as blue as things may look at that point, a lot of us are lucky enough to have the ability to say “I’m feeling depressed,” as opposed to “I have depression.” Also I am very frustrated after a conversation I had this afternoon. This post Might be inspired by it.....

For me, one of the most challenging aspects to feeling like this is that I don’t feel as connected as I normally do—with my friends, the world in general.
And this isn’t specific to me; this is what depression is, a lack of feeling. It affects a person’s mood, their thoughts, behaviors, and, on occasion, their health.
When you’re depressed you can’t access feelings of self-love. And since the love you feel for others is a reflection of the love you feel for yourself, this is why you feel disconnected.

You have an intellectual understanding of the love you have for your partner but you can’t feel it as much as you normally do.
A while ago during a time when I was depressed and unhappy, a friend told me, “I can see you’re still feeling something—so you can’t be too depressed.”

And it’s true. The more depressed you are, the quieter your heart is. It’s like a continuum. Or you are a sociopath. Which I've blogged about in the past.
It’s not like you don’t have all the feelings in you; you just can’t feel them right now. Just in case you’re tempted to worry about not having feelings. Love, jealousy, anger, sadness etc..

And this can be a problem in a relationship. One day you’re connected to yourself, and therefore your partner too, and the next day you don’t feel connected to anything.
When you’re depressed you misread situations; you perceive others as being critical of you.

But what you’re seeing is a reflection of what you’re thinking about yourself.
It’s you that’s being critical of you. Not them being critical of you.
When you don’t understand what happens when you’re depressed and you listen to everything your depressed mind says, you can cause havoc in your relationship.

Sharing with a loved one and/or health professional that you’re feeling depressed can be hugely helpful, and something I highly recommend. Talk about what you're feeling and get a pair of fresh eyes to look at what's making you blue. Change the way you are thinking. Try harder.

When you have a conversation with a drunk person, you have a drunken conversation; it doesn’t make sense. (Even though I've heard some say 'it's when the truth comes out'. I disagree in a way.)
And so it is when you talk to a depressed person you have a depressed conversation. And likewise, it’s often not logical.
In fact, depression can be almost as challenging for a loved one as it is for the person who is depressed.
Rather than respond to all the bullshit your mind is telling you, it can be more useful to take a step back and just notice what you’re thinking.

So how do you honor yourself when you’re depressed and give yourself the love and kindness you need without blowing up an otherwise loving relationship?

Don’t believe everything your mind says.
Your mind’s always telling you things that aren’t true, and this applies even more so when you’re depressed. The more you can differentiate between you and your mind, the easier this gets. See if you can step back and think, “Ah, look at what I’m thinking now.”
Know that your mind is very convincing. Maybe you should listen to what your partner or loved one is saying. It's said with your best interest at heart.
And even though you can’t feel it right now, you have all the calm and peaceful loving feelings inside of you.

Im home...

I'm back in Sweden's best city.

I had a great time. I love her kids and even if the did my head in a few times I still miss them now when I'm back here.
Her flat is small but we did the most of it. I really appreciate her inviting us to spend the holiday's with her. For many reasons. I wish I had seen Sussy. But she was working all the time and at night I couldn't just leave to go party. Hopefully Sussy will come see me in Gothenburg.

Christmas eve was hectic. I made all the food. It was good for me to be alone in the kitchen playing music and focus on the food. If I hadn't, my panic attack would surly emerge again. I don't expect you all to understand me and where I'm coming from. Just understand that I had a rough time yesterday especially.

Anyway.....we ate and watched the annual Donald Duck. Then Santa came and then it was fun and games.

Jens, Javier, Helena and I had a blast. I took a bad advice, but it sounded good at the time. I was a bit fired up after a conversation we had. I am impulsive, I should've been more mature. Two wrongs don't make a right. I own it tho. I have to.

I haven't really got a lot to write about. I'm tired after driving for hours and hours and not eaten yet either. For some reason I just don't feel like it.

I will however show you some pic and videos of the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to say thank you to Anna, Oliver and Alyiah for the amazing Christmas gifts. I absolutely love the bracelet. And the boys love the T-shirts.

 

Also I'd like to thank Ms. Helena for opening up her home to me and the boys and a big thank you for the Christmas gifts.

 

 

  

Merry Christmas

Yesterday we took a trip into the city. It was nice to stroll around. Very cold but nice. Couldn't feel my feet at the end. Gothenburg is better and more beautiful but Stockholm is bigger.

Only Christmas time....

My east coast sister

Merry Christmas!!!!

So....Christmas eve. All of the built up hopes and intentions of making this Christmas work and feel normal is finally here.

I was up until 5 am this morning wrapping gifts, drinking wine and chatting away my anxiety. Thank god for Viber and Skype. And sometimes time difference works out good.

I have to start to cook in a minute. Meatballs, ham, potatogratain, chipolata sausage, bread and what not. I like to keep busy so I don't think too much.

This song caught my attention. Maybe it will catch yours too.

                                     

                                                

                                                         

                                                         

                                                           

08

Got safely to our Capital city. It took roughly 6 hours. It rained all the way. I'm happy I didn't get in an accident. That road is known to have many events of Death. So hopefully I will get back just as safe in a couple of days. If you don't hear from me in a day or two I might just have died on my way back home. Shit happens hey.

It was a happy re-union. Heaps of hugs and kisses. We got a room and put our things there. I started cooking dinner and we opened the first bag in box. We went to bed at 4.30 am. Like I said before. Heaps of things to talk about. Some things were nicer to talk about than others.

The start of a very long and pleasant night

                                                          

Looking for a Christmas tree.

 

Luqas got a bit of a fever but he's good now

Found Stockholm's ugliest tree.

Looks a bit better now

 

Making ginger bread cookies again

 

 

 

It’s only a day to go until Christmas Eve. You know, it is a pagan holiday with nothing to do with Christianity.
Christmas is still a holiday I can get excited about and look forward, enough that I’ll get up ridiculously early for and engage in tons of festivity, though for me, the presents I can get still really is as big a deal as they were back when I was a kid. But giving gifts are actually even more fun. Filling up a Christmas list these days is kind of a hassle considering I don’t quite know what to ask for these days, though I eventually work it out..
The holiday music isn’t that bad, unless you’re talking about those excruciating Christmas pop songs . You know, I hope they actually succeed in getting Highway to Hell to be the number 1 for Christmas instead of the next Mariah Carey crap.
In the Christmas season, I get to watch a lot of movies (not really festive movies, real movies) and eat a lot, and on Christmas Eve it's special. This adds much merriment, indulgence, and festivity to a festival that is all about these things.

Christmas is a seductive time. People are seduced by the materialism of Christmas gifts, and by ideals that ignore many of the unpleasant realities of the world around them.
They are also seduced into the false belief that it is not OK to say that they hurt. Pain may be personal, but it is unhealthy to keep it private, particularly, indefinitely.
But things must be faced, eventually, whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. The sooner you fin the courage to deal with the real situation that faces you, the sooner you will be able to adjust to it, or make some changes.
This Christmas, give the greatest gift that you can give. Share yourself. Share your feelings of fear and worry, as well as those of joy and happiness. As you open yourself up to the acceptance, support and love of those around you, you are indeed repeating, in your own way, the great message of the Christmas story.
Lastly, don’t ever pretend to me that it’s about ' peace on earth' when you know it's about getting gifts. Lol. For me it's about spending it with your loved ones. Even though my Christmas this year is not what I had expected, I'm happy it brought me to where I am this very moment. Things happen for a reason and even though it's not how I want it to be, it will work out. One door closes another one opens.
All-in-all, I still love Christmas and look forward to it, and growing older won’t stop that.

 

This is how we roll

In preparation for Christmas we baked cookies today. Ginger bread cookies to be exact. I absolutely love the smell of it. I love Christmas. Unfortunately I don't have a family to celebrate with. I have no contact with my mom pretty much since my dad died and my brother is...yeah well..I miss my brother. I miss my family. Or the family we use to be anyway. Things change and so do people.
Don't matter if they are blood related or not. I am spending Christmas with friends I love and I'm happy with that. Haven't seen them in over a year and a half so it's gonna be intense. Have heaps of catching up to do. HEAPS....since both of us have separated since we saw each other last.
 Yeah, ponder it, do I want this? there's no wonder I'm losing my mind the way I'm wandering
*I think you've been wandering off down yonder.*
Cause I needed an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster.
And save me from myself and all this conflict.
Cause the very thing that I love is killing me and I can't conquer it.

Anyway...back to the evening activities. Baking cookies. And singing. And playing GH.

After baking cookies and having flour everywhere a shower is nice to take. A hot bath and then a shower. Put the amazing pink one piece on and jam a little with the boys. It is Friday after all.
Whoop whoop....

And when the boys are watching the Christmas calendar * is that even the word for it?* I blog real fast.
I have read "Rikki Tikki Tavi" for the boys and tonight we are watching the movie. I'm excited. I remember how much I loved that story when I was younger. I hope the boys love it as much as I do.

Dont make me regret it....

Had a rather interesting Skype call today. As usual we talked about random things such as whom should be allowed to have a drink at my friends new bar, negative attitude and shoving a drumstick up someone's ass. You know..general things one talks about from time to time.

We also spoke about more important matters such as keeping promises, having goals and losing a negative attitude. Also not being that guy.
We both agreed that being that guy wasn't an option. And we also agreed upon that there is no problem and solving a very long over due promise that was broken not once but several times. And I'm trusting that this time it will be kept. Because this is the last time this will ever happen again.

It got me thinking...please bare with me if I ramble as usual, I will get to the point eventually.

What was the last promise you made to someone?

"Yes, honey, I'll take out the trash after dinner."
"I promise we'll give you a promotion in six months."
"I'll be there. I promise."

When you don't keep a promise to someone, it communicates to that person that you don't value him or her. You have chosen to put something else ahead of your commitment. Even when you break small promises, others learn that they cannot count on you.
You are not only communicating all of this to others, you are telling yourself that you don't value your own word.
You think it is okay to let someone down, to say something you don't mean, or to fail to follow through on something you said you would do. Not keeping a promise is the same as disrespecting yourself. And making the people you made the promise to not trust you and later on most likely not care for you. Or even worse...become indifferent.

Associating with a person who makes a lot of promises but consistently breaks them, or simply doesn't keep them, is challenging.
If their continued broken promises are making your life unpleasant and you feel used up, discarded, ignored, or just plain messed about, it is essential to deal with the promise breaker and then forgive them. Note that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or letting them get away with it; it means that you reach a space of letting go and no longer allow this person to call the shots and ruin your chances at enjoying your life. Travel or dating or whatever it is you are lacking atm.
Telling lies is a cowardly way. It speaks to me not having enough guts, balls or whatever you want to call it to stand up and take responsibility. Most lies are some one trying to shirk the consequences of whatever action or inaction they have or haven’t done. This right here speaks volumes about your person, the state of your relationship and how much you trust your partner. Lying disrespects your partner, your life, your relationship and yourself.
One of the quickest ways to tell your partner they are not important is to break your promise to them.

Maybe you have kept your word and followed through, but your partner continues to break promises and leave you wondering if there's any way you can stay together.
It can be an upsetting situation. Ultimately, you get to decide whether or not you will stay in this relationship.
This is the bottom line.

If you don’t keep the promise you make, spoken or unspoken, the trust in your relationship is eventually eroded away. The most important promise you make is to your partner and your kids; they need to know that you will do what you say, in the little things so that they can trust you with the big things.


Wow.....that was a nice long post about what's going on in my head. And all this after a Skype chat.

My point of this post would be this.

I have faith and I trust it will be kept this time.
Don't make me look like an idiot for having it!!

Sunday rambling

 

So how do you beat the odds when it’s one against a billion? You stand strong, keep pushing yourself

past all rational limits and never let yourself give up. But the truth of the mater is, despite how hard you try and fight to stay in control, when it’s all said and done, sometimes you’re just out numbered. 

 

 

 
When facing your enemy no amount of training can triumph nature. It separates the strong from the weak. And sometimes it tells us that surrender is the strongest move of all.....

You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out. Even if you’re tired and not feeling it, even if you want to walk away. You don’t. Because you are not a quitter. But nobody ever said it’d be easy.

                                                 

 
We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. I understand that. I know nobody’s perfect but how do you live with it? How do you get up every morning and face the world knowing you could’ve done better, that you should’ve done better. Is sorry enough? Can an apology actually heal our wounds? Ease our pain? Can it undone the hurt, agony and disappointment?

No other relationship requires the time, the focus, the complete dedication, Except maybe being a mom, than staying involved with someone that you have betrayed or been betrayed by one way or the other.
What if your focus splits? What if you can’t be all in? Are you left with nothing at all? Maybe you just need to find a different path. Here’s what’s horrifying. What if you can’t give 100%? Maybe you need to go back to the beginning and start all over again. I know some got issues. But wouldn't you rather work on it then to go ahead and start with someone new? I don't know....