Lucia

The annual candlelit Lucia procession on 13 December is perhaps one of the more exotic-looking Swedish customs, with girls and boys clad in white full-length gowns singing songs together. Among the youngest, anyone can be Lucia; as the children get older, the competition will harden.

Alongside Midsummer, the Lucia celebrations represent one of the foremost cultural traditions in Sweden, with their clear reference to life in the peasant communities of old: darkness and light, cold and warmth.
Lucia is an ancient mythical figure with an abiding role as a bearer of light in the dark Swedish winters.

All Swedes know the standard Lucia song by heart, and everyone can sing it, in or out of tune. On the morning of Lucia Day, the radio plays some rather more expert renderings, by school choirs or the like.
The Lucia celebrations also include ginger snaps and sweet, saffron-flavoured buns (lussekatter) shaped like curled-up cats and with raisin eyes. You eat them with glögg or coffee.

My first Lucia in Sweden in ages. So I just picked up where I left off. Anna and the kids came over for dinner and to make the dreaded Ginger bread house. I assure you that it looks waaay easier that it is. Instead of glögg to calm our nerves we drank white wine. Trust me, it was well needed. LOL.

My boys thought they were too cool for school to wear the traditional Lucia outfits. However I am never too cool for that. Unfortunately I don't own a white gown these days so I wore glitter in my hair. Or as Anna called it..garland.

Anna insisted on using het recipe. Apparently the best ever.  Well...I beg to differ. But we had fun baking them.

We had a little competition on whose house was going to get fucked up. My house was fine-ish.
Look at this video and make up your own mind....

 

 

We had a really good time last night.

The children had Christmas pop ( julmust ) and I even bought candy. That is a huge thing for me.

 

After we were done with everything we decided to bring out the sing star. Plus we were a little drunk by the end of the night too.

 

 

As usual I got a dose of reality from Anna. I need that. I kinda get lost in my own thoughts and need a good shake to snap me out of it. To see things from a different perspective and listen to what I know is right. The body does not know the difference between nerves and excitement, panic and doubt, the beginning, and the end. The body just tells you to get the hell out. Sometimes you ignore it. That’s the reasonable thing to do. But sometimes you listen. You’re supposed to trust your gut, right? When your body says run, run.
When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny. Isn't it? A weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter, and for a brief moment, we find a little peace.

Razmus and Oliver stiring the milk, yeast and butter

Awwww....our roof is broken.

Nothing super-mom cant fix!!!

Gimme some love mom. You are a bad ass!!

Mohahahahaha.....

Making the saffron buns.

Luqas is decorating the house

Final touches. And re-fill on the wine perhaps.

Anna and Alyiah decorating their house

Finished.....

Buns about to go in the oven

This is what happens when your drunken ass tries to put at ginger bread house in a plastic bag. Clever!!

Bittersweet

Ancient cultures understood the dark night of the soul as a time of transformation. A time when personal strength is tested and the knowledge you've gained over the 1st half of your life is drawn up from the depths of your being and utilized.

For me, only a handful of people knew what was happening and still is happening on a smaller scale, while most thought I was suddenly nuts. In the past I'd been the person others leaned on for advice and support. Now I was an empty vessel without a family or boyfriend for support. I looked like hell and felt even worse.

When I woke in the morning I wasn't sure what to mourn: the relationship I miss so or the biggest loss of my life?  Leaving Phuket, or my financial security? My health or the fact I could be homeless in a month? Pick your poison.

Have you ever experienced your life falling apart all at once? If you've been there or find yourself there right now, you'll know what I mean. Sometimes during our darkest hours, a great light awakens inside and heightens our awareness. Or at least I got delusional enough and thought I knew what to do and what was best. I found refuge in writing down my thoughts, blog. An outlet for my emotions. Instead of getting tattooed. LOL. I would've had little space left to ink.

If you've always been the strong one other people lean on, it's hard to admit you need support and ask for help. I learned who my real friends were and I learned I was lovable even when I wasn't perfect. I'm far from perfect. But I felt perfect not too long ago. Like I found my other half.
You can't be broken and effective at the same time so I learned how to fake it until you make it. By faking my strength, even my smile, I slowly felt like myself again. I got a glimpse of me. But I was and am missing a part of me.

I tried so hard to hide my sadness by hanging out with friends, pretending I was having fun -- I learned who truly cared and who was in tune with my subtle changes. Lucky for me, my friends saw through it and lifted me up. I will always be forever grateful.
While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person.
I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.

It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. Then I realized: unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling.
No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand. Sometimes...

I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind. Don’t do it for them, do it for you!
I came to this realization: no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.”

Negative thoughts drain you of energy. The more you give in to your negative thoughts, the stronger they become. I like the imagery of a small ball rolling along the ground, and as it rolls, it becomes bigger and faster.
That’s what one small negative thought can turn into: a huge, speeding ball of ugliness. On the contrary, a small positive thought can have the same effect blossoming into a beautiful outcome

If you pay attention to doing things that make you happier, keep an open mind and put in the effort, you can be well on your way. Be with the person you love. That will surly make you happier. For many reasons. That goes without saying don't it. If you do love someone that is..

Being happier starts with priming your brain to think happier or positive thoughts. Whether you like it or not, facts are facts. You might not enjoy the fact you’re facing but you can control your emotional response to it. Do it with a positive attitude and you’ll get through it a lot quicker than if you agonize and lament over it.
Probably some of the best things that have ever happened to you in life, happened because you said yes to something. Otherwise things just sort of stay the same.
For me, that had to start with letting go of controlling myself, my feelings, and my past pain, and then allowing myself to let go of how other people’s fear controlled me.

And that's what I am going to do from now on. To not be stuck where I am I need to go back to being Sunshine. I need to find her, I know she is there coz I've seen and felt her at times. Which means I have to accept facts even though I think it's bullshit and move away from what is no longer making me happy.
You will never know the true value of a moment or a person until it becomes a memory. Make the most of the it coz you never know what you have until it’s gone.


                                   



                                

Abuse ink, use it as a tool when I need to blow steam

Just got home from a tattoo studio. It was a bitch trying to find it.
I've been talking casually to a guy that does tattoos for a while and now when the plans I thought was signed and sealed has gone out the window I figured why the hell not. He's invited me out for Pancakes. That's cute. Not drinks. Pancakes. 

 

He's getting the privilege to do my first Swedish tattoo. Just gotta decide on the motive.

Those of you who knows me know that my tattoos means something. It represents parts of my life that has been hard on me one way or another. I am impulsive and I get passionate , I know that. Especially at the present. I was really looking forward to Christmas and the plans that had been made. Got let down yet again. I really don't give a flying fuck what the lame ass reason was. All I know and care about is that promises were broken. And that's not all that broke.
I get a certain kinda pleasure in the self-inflicted pain. It's like it takes my other pain away. And it becomes a bittersweet memory or a happy reminder. I like to mix the happy memories with whatever struggle I've gone through. Like my arm. A tribute to my dad that passed away 2002 in cancer. A horrible time in my life. But I mixed it with happy things like the boys' names and my favorite color etc.

I'm relaying what the voice in my head is saying. I've listened to my heart too much and look where its gotten me. Maybe I need a straightjacket, I am crazy for real, but I'm ok with that.

I'd rather have that as my outlet depending on how you see it than having a sickness growing within, as others I know have, a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow.
There is something called a perfect storm.
Funny, never thought it would happen to me again.
There’s an end to every storm. Once all the dreams have been uprooted. Once the heart have been ripped apart. The wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.

That's one of the reasons I got my back tattoo in August last year. It really means a lot to me. Every little shadow, color choice and line means something.

Christmas is just around the corner. It's the holiday you should spend with the people you love.
Eat heaps of food, snuggle on the sofa watching movies, go out in the snow * if you have any* and play. A serene time, time for each other.

I hope you people that have the luxury of having that this year that you really treasure it. Give your mom an extra hug, listen to your dad's loooong fishing stories. Play Xbox with your brother. Cuddle or have rough sex with your boyfriend. Tell them you love them.
It's nice to hear and nice to feel loved.
You never know what's gonna happen and it could be gone at the drop of a hat.

When I need to smile.....

 

I haven't had much to laugh or smile about for a while. 

I go through my videos and pictures and I find clips like these. It instantly puts a smile on my face. And I feel good for a bit.

I know it's embarrassing but as I have said many times, I don't take myself too seriously when it comes to these types of things. I love to have fun and laugh.

 

 

 

 

A little get together at mine a few weeks ago

 

 

Razmus, age 2,5-3 sings acapella. 

 

 

 

Bowling with a friend that doesn't know how to work the camera apparently.

 

 

 Brother crashing girls night. Of course I insist he dress up as a girl.

 

 

   

Just sayin' 

 

Familiar taste of Poison..

I had the absolute pleasure of spending the weekend with friends. On Friday I went to Tony and Malin's. Tony had been so sweet to offer to change my tires. Yes, I know.. I'm such a girl. I love to drive fast, not changing the tires. So thank you Tony. I super appreciate it. And what I appreciated even more was the fact that not only did he change my tires, he provided me with alcohol too. And dinner. Thank you Malin. It was really cold so he had lit up the open-fire. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
I stayed the night, since driving and drinking is forbidden. As it should be. Everywhere.

Good friends are the ones who tell us the truth about ourselves... even when the truth might be something we're reluctant to admit - that we still have a great deal to learn, that we sometimes need to ask for help, that we maybe overlooking a golden opportunity. Yes, hearing the truth can often set us on a different path, but we never know where that path might take us.

Saturday morning I set off to the International English School. Razmus has been accepted. I was pleased with the school. Teachers came from various native speaking countries -thank god that Australia was represented with at least one teacher. The rest were American, British, Canadian and Swedish of course. No Kiwi's unfortunately.

Anna and Daniel came along with their kids. Alyiah wants to enroll. Let's see how that works out.

I had Effie over for dinner and wine last night. I haven't seen her in ages. I think last time was just before I moved in 2011. We have been friends for a long time. Many shenanigans.

I cooked her favorite dish. Mango/Chili chicken with rocket salad. And she brought the wine.
She gave me a very belated birthday gift. Thank you to both Effie and Becka Boo. This gift shows how well you know me. I absolutely love it!!

She wanted to hear about everything that's been going on in Phuket. And after a moment of hesitance I decided to tell her. Everything.
When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed the damage it will do, so they conceal it within sturdy walls, or they place it behind closed doors, or they obscure it with clever disguises, the truth no matter how ugly always emerges, and someone we care about always ends up getting hurt, most likely yourself and someone else will revel in their pain, and that's the ugliest truth of all.

Anna came over after work. She had been telling me earlier on the phone about a lady that was so delusional she wore panties as a hat. Anna works with geriatric care. She tells the funniest stories sometimes. I think I need to pay her a visit.

We sat an chatted for a while. It's nice to have girl-talks. Especially when it's friends you've had for a long time and they have your best interests at heart. They love you for who you are. Always.
But I have struggled to open up. Even to them. I have trust issues now that I have never had in my life. I like to be in control. Speaking of which...
Control. It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it. Some rely on deception. While others engage in outright trickery. Then there are those who resort to extortion. Why do we fight so hard for control? Because we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others. And what could be more dangerous?

 

 

 

 

A typical girls night at my house.

 

 

 

Effie turns 30

 

Anna and I in our real form