I apologize that I have been horrible at blogging lately, I've been horrible at writing lately. I feel as though I've been horrible at most things lately. Which, of course, isn't entirely true. My children are fed and clothed.
I used to be the queen of putting my foot in my mouth. I’d say the first thing that came into my head without thinking. I still am the queen to be honest...sometimes. I can impulsive. I get like that when I'm sad. Instead of telling or showing I'm sad and in need of a cuddle I do impulsive things.
My intentions are almost always good and I’d never deliberately offend or hurt anyone, but it landed me in trouble more than once. Still does actually. I don't think people are use to having someone speak their mind and stand up for what they believe in. I don't do it quite as often as before. I'm tired. Drained of energy. I need a boost. Something fun and positive. Something to look forward to, be excited about. Having a destination. London?? Phuket??
Run Forrest run......
I’ve heard it said that until you can love yourself, you can’t truly love others. I’m not sure how much I agree with that. In fact, I’ve come to think of maternal love as loving someone else more than you love yourself.
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Sometimes and oftentimes, the healing journey can be very far from ok. I have come to believe that the answer exists in those not-ok times becoming recognizable, anticipated if possible, and then, with grace, manageable. I think it's also important to have someone or somewhere to turn when those times show themselves. I am still working on that part. I am much more inclined to come here to write about it. Or some of it as it is very personal and painful still. Time heal all wounds I've heard. I still find it extremely difficult to just outright tell someone close to me that, hey, I'm not doing ok at the moment and I need a bit of help. I suppose too that I don't reach out because the fear remains to be judged and to be let down again. It's been a lot of let downs lately. Opening up and letting someone in is hard for me. Trust is hard. I want to, I really do. It has to be earned. It was so much easier and nicer when I could trust. But then again, it's been a while since someone proved to be trusted. What is wrong with people??
In the wee hours of the night last night - one of those not-ok times washed over me like waves and I struggled to keep me from doing my head in. Something triggered some memories and since it was late at night, with everyone asleep and I was alone in the dark with only my thoughts. I was stuck on the memory of the sheer pain. The memory that I dwelt upon last night for hours, in and out of fitful sleep and nightmares, was the pain of loss and of course abandonment. It's a confusing and complicated memory and one that I'm finding difficult to heal.
