I'm friends with the monster under my bed...

I have had a small personal meltdown the last couple of days.

I should've had the boys today but since their dad is flying of to Asia soon we agreed that they stay with him a couple of more days. It's been a hard week and I have really searched for answers within myself. And I have come to realize that we like to think we are rational beings. Humane, consciences, civilized, thoughtful but when things fall apart even just a little, we’re no better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream but deep down we’re all just rooting around in the primordial ooze. Biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold dark world like the rest of the tree toads and sloths.
There’s a little animal in all of us and maybe that is something to celebrate. Our animal instinct is what makes us seek comfort, warmth, a pack to run with. We may feel caged. We may feel trapped but still as humans, we can find ways to feel free. We are each others keepers. We are the guardians of our own humanity and even though there is a beast inside all of us, what sets us apart from the animals is that we think, dream, feel and love and against all odds, against all instinct we evolve.

However, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to get hurt and if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say.
Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice but it’s not very practical.
When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal and the most we can hope for is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

And karma will fuck those who deserve it with a cactus. Right up the bum.

I feel quite good today. I have had some offers that I'm considering over the weekend. And I will let you know once I've reached a decision. Offers came just at the right time too. Last week I would've said no straight up.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize what's important in your life-what you can live with, but more importantly.....what you can't live without.

I'm off to a friends house. Sauna and drinks. Seems appropriate on a Friday like this.

Liar liar pants on fire....

Had a good sleep-in today. I needed that.
I was waking up to good news, or that's what I thought. And had been told.
But my phone was dead quiet as it has been all day. Even though I had gotten a promise yesterday.
It really doesn't matter now anyway. I'm use to getting let down. That is horrible and I do not wish this feeling upon anyone.

For me, disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It’s complex, containing a subset of other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others too subtle to identify.
Sometimes, those emotions by themselves are easier to deal with, but disappointment can leave me at a loose end.
I might not be sure whether I should feel angry, or just impatiently wish that I would hurry up and get over it. Disappointment can hover at the front of your mind and niggle at the back, bringing you a grey perspective on life, even if you’re trying to forget about it.
Disappointment can ripple through to the core of who you are. If you don’t know what your core values are, you may not have a framework to support you when you experience negative emotions.
For example, one of my core values is open-heartedness. I wish to keep an open heart and be ready to share love and kindness with others, irrespective of how they might behave.

I would like to always try to choose to act with love and kindness towards others, rather than with negativity.
When someone disappoints me and I feel like closing and withdrawing, I remember this core value, then pause and make a choice.
I wish to be an open-hearted person. These negative feelings are feelings, and they will pass. Do I choose to remain open-hearted, or do I choose to follow the easier instinct and close off?

Some things are so intrinsically wrong that we are automatically set off with anger when they happen. Lying, cheating, and being a coward are chief among these things. Nobody likes a liar, a cheater, or a coward. Nobody....
These things destroy trust, and trust is part of the foundation for a great and meaningful life.
And those who practice such things will be named for what they are – Liars, Cheats and Cowards. Their honor will turn to shame, their pride will turn to disgrace, their laughter will turn to sorrow, and their estate will come to ruin

Lucky for me I have some very wise friends. They have been very supportive.
Went into the city to meet up with two of them. Had coffee and a good catch up. Went Christmas shopping too. I haven't been out strolling the city since I got back to Gothenburg. I love this city. Its beautiful and so full of life. Not loving the Christmas crowdedness though.
We also went to an Indian restaurant. I haven't had Indian food since forever. Last time was take out from Laguna, Phuket.

Got home and got a call from Oz. Just when I needed it.

Spent my evening Skyping and watching Johan Falk on TV. First time I actually watch something on the Tv. Or kinda, I'm blogging too. But it counts. Doesn't it??