Explicit text....

I have been working really hard to teach the kids that the only people they can control are themselves.
That they cannot make other people do what they want them to do, or what a reasonable person would think someone should do.
I have really been trying to teach them that the only thing they can control is how they react to a situation.
And not to throw a total fit when things don’t always go their way.
Ive owned up that anxiety, for me, often presents itself in the form of anger.
Apparently the kids aren’t the only ones throwing fits when things don’t go their way.
Ive learned to envision a stop sign when I feel the anxiety and anger rising, and the ensuing adult tantrum in the not-too-distant future.
Apparently; I got told,  my expectations are a little unrealistic sometimes. ( say whay now?!)
I usually plan on all the stars being in alignment.

I plan on people not being assholes, my laptop always functioning properly, the person in front of me in the grocery store to know how to swipe her fucking credit card, and not having to wait on hold for 37 minutes to talk to an actual person from Försäkringskassan or hospital.

I plan that people will follow through with what they say. Since I adjust my schedual often to fit theirs. But they don´t take that in concideration do they?!

So when all of these things don’t happen simultaneously,well,
I find myself presented with countless opportunities to envision that fucking stop sign.

Okay, Universe.
No more do as I say and not as I do…

I need to save more money, but saving money is hard when there’s not a lot of extra coming in, and everything that is coming in, is, for the most part, going right back out. You know what I’m saying? Of course you do, because who the fuck doesn’t, aside from the people who don’t know, but what I do know, is that most people who don’t need more money don’t read my blog, you know, because if they did, I think I’d know, because they would be sending me money (hint-hint).


I decided to do some research on saving money and entered the phrase “Bitch needs to save a buck” into the Google search.

People acutally search this

You know, because you can find anything you need to know on Google, and everything is true and you should always believe everything you read. Snicker. But seriously, I did the lyrics for Little Wayne’s The Sky’s the Limit, and that was pretty rad. So I typed in “Money saving tips."
I should have done that first, as I already know all the words to that damn Little Wayne song, and I can't get those 30 seconds back and that's 30 seconds where I wasn't saving any fucking money, you know?

Anyhoo...I realized I was already doing most of this stuff – keep change don’t buy shit you don’t need (I’m talking to YOU Chardonnay, you delicious bitch!), stick to your budget, clip coupons, eat meals at home, cut costs where you can…
Wait; am I doing that last thing? Am I really cutting all the costs I possibly can?

Yeah, I was, aside from this little thing I read about unplugging all appliances that aren’t being used – especially the energy suckers in rooms that nobody ever goes into. List of things to unplug: Desktop, laptop, coffee maker, vibrator, phone chargers, toasters, stereos, cable tee vee boxes, chargers for iPods and whatnot, gaming consoles, electric toothbrushes, blow dryers, nipple clamp chargers…
The tip reassured me that unplugging was going to make a difference, and since every little bit helps, I was all over this shit, yo! I mean, shit motherfucker, if I learn to save a couple of Gustav Vasa´s a month, I will never HAVE tosell my ass, no matter what happens in life, right?

Exactly.
So I unplugged shit. And my family plugged shit back in. And they complained.

And I unplugged shit. Again.

And they plugged shit back in. Again.

And they complained. Again

This is why I´m the only one getting treats.

Starting over at 30 something...

The title of this post is Starting Over At 30 something. 
I am literally starting over in life. I choose to say 'starting over' rather than say how I really feel. Sounds better this way. I am at the lowest point of my life in a decade that I always thought would be great for me. I am lost, sad, confused and scared. I am a planner. I'm a list maker. I'm the kind of girl who likes to get things done. Right now I have no lists. I have semi-plan. I don't see much good on the horizon, but sometimes I get the feeling that things may be good some day after all. Usually right after that feeling the doom and devastation returns and I'm right back to where I was before. I go on autopilot atm. I get things done just because I have to. 

What do I want? I want to take a Xanax or 5 and sleep it off. 
No, really what I want is to take the Xanax', make a Mojito with an unreasonable amount of rom, get in the bathtub, listen to music and forget that I'm still alive. Just for a while....

A year and a half ago I got a great tattoo on my back. A reminder that you need to stick it out no matter how fucked in the face the situation is. And I have been through some really horrible things I do not wish upon the most hated person I know.


Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.... it's about learning to dance in the rain. 

Not because I seek distraction from the difficulties in my life, I am resilient and I have learned the hard way that only I can cultivate my own happiness. I've also learned that life is too short to put my happiness on hold whenever a shit storm is brewing. There is always a shit storm brewing.
I´m trying to do me now. Not take everyone else into account, as I have in the past.

Do you get where I am going with this?

I always dust myself off and I stand up and I move on. Im bad ass that way. 

My dancing in the rain has more to do with transforming my life to be nothing but wonderful, despite having to go through the horrendous experiences I have. Instead of getting trapped in the process itself and all the difficulties encountered therein, I'm hoping to rise up out of the ash like a phoenix.

Do you believe in dancing in the rain?

I had a thought about love today. Was on the phone to Finland earlier and stuff came up that I dont know how to approch. Hence my blog post and rambling out my thoughts. We have slightly different views on a couple of things. And I just got thinking about my thoughts about love. Or around it.

Love is both beautiful and messy at the same time. It makes us crazy when we fall into it and even crazier still if we fall for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time and/or with the wrong person. At the end of the crazy, it's often painfully devastating too.

Love is harder than most of us would like to admit and it takes more work than we are sometimes willing to give. It takes maturity. 

It takes action.

Love is an action. When it is easy and most importantly, when it isn't. Especially when it isn't even convenient, love is -- first and foremost -- actions carried out in light of what is felt in the heart.

Love is typically inconvenient, yet we can not live without it. We feel complete when we give it and when we receive it, therefore through experiencing it we know that it's worth it. Life is challenging enough without having to go through it feeling anything less than complete.

In the end, when love is real, it is everything. 
Don't waste it. 
You may not ever get it again.......